The Word, What Is It Good for?

by  Anamaria Pasquiers

Dear reader, let us have a little exploration of the “word”.

First there was the word, we are told.   And we know that we human beings like to have the last word—whatever that is.   And it rarely is the last word.

The spiritual teachings from Zen Buddhism tell us that to reach enlightenment, peace, and harmony, you’ve got to go beyond the words—to silence.   Another spiritual path, Taoism, tells us that those who talk do not know, and those who know do not talk, and that the name is not the name.

Is this all confusing, dear reader?   Well, let’s keep exploring the word.

Some words we use in ways that alienate us from each other, while other words we use connect and bring closeness, clarity, and understanding.   The choice to use words that connect and foster a more compassionate way of speaking with each other, rather than talking at each other, seems like the obvious path to take, regardless of our spiritual path.   What is it then that keeps us from taking the “high road”?   What is compassionate communication?

This awareness of speaking to connect is a way in which we use our words to enrich life and to contribute to each other’s well-being.   Does this sound impossible, dear reader?   Well, I’m not promising that it will be easy, for sure.

We, however, are privileged to find tools like the four agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.

In agreement number one, we are encouraged to have integrity with our word.   I.e., don’t lie, don’t gossip, don’t use your words words against yourself or others, don’t use your words to poison or punish.   Be mindful of your words and how you use them.

Agreement number two is: don’t take things personally, because when we take what people think, say, or do personally, it alienates instead of connects.

Agreement number three is: don’t make assumptions.   This one leads to a lot of confusion, as we think we understand, because we assume we can read each other’s minds and think we know what we both need.   That’s not necessarily true, is it?

The fourth agreement, dear reader, is: always do your very best, no more and no less.   This fourth agreement requires a compassionate, loving, kind understanding of our humanity.   Doing our very best will be different depending on how we feel.   Are we well or ill?   Are we rested or tired?   Are we joyful or sad?   Really doing our very best frees us from guilt, shame, fear, and the sense of not being good enough.

Our Planet Earth would greatly benefit from us human beings learning how to have a more compassionate communication.   We may look and sound different and have different customs, and yet we are one interconnected human tribe.   Deeper than any sense of separation, we human beings are hardwired to be more compassionate, kind, loving, and understanding of each other and of our Planet Earth.   Authenticity, honesty, and transparency are necessary risks in order to have meaningful communication with each other that will connect rather than alienate.

    THE READER IS INVITED TO TAKE NOTE OF THIS MESSAGE

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And, dear reader, in our life’s journey, we may come across human beings who through their intuition bring consciousness—conscious communication tools—to us.   These tools can help us use words for each other rather than against each other, to communicate in a way that brings more understanding and clarity to our interactions.

Marshall Rosenberg, the author of the book A Model for Nonviolent Communication, physically came and went and left us tools to use to share our humanity with each other.   Marshall teaches us that compassionate connection is more important than deciding who is right and who is wrong.   There are four components from his book, which are the basis for nonviolent communication: observation, feelings, needs, request.   "What are these? you may ask, dear reader.

Well, observation is the first of these components.   It challenges us to observe situations or people’s actions or words in a nonjudgmental, nonalienating way—where we do not assume right or wrong but just facts.

The second component of these nonviolent communication tools is to become aware of our feelings.   Now, for many of us, feelings are emotions that we have learned to ignore, deny, avoid, or fiercely protect.   We have not been taught by our culture or families how to express our feelings without accusing, insulting, blaming, or guilt-tripping.   How many of us were raised in a way that the understanding of feelings was acknowledged or encouraged?

The third component of nonviolent communication is understanding and recognizing our needs.   Now, dear reader, did you grow up with any understanding or acknowledgement of your needs or the needs of the people around you?   Needs are life in action, and all actions are attempts to meet a need.   Some of those actions alienate, and some of those actions bring us closer to each other.

And the fourth component that we’ll explore is making a request.   Now, this is a tricky one, because making a request can help us reach out when we need it, though at times it can become confused with demanding help from someone.   When we acquiesce or agree to help each other fulfill a request, life is enriched only when that acquiescense or agreement comes from a place of willingness.   Agreeing or giving in to a demand alienates and creates resentment and anger and other disconnecting emotions.   In order for a request to be a conscious opportunity to connect, it must be time-specific, action-specific, and doable.   When we learn how to make a request without having any kind of demanding energy around it—such as: having expectations or obligations; using coercion, implied reward, or implied punishment; relying on guilt, shame, or fear—to get our needs met, we contribute to each other’s well-being and a meaningful life.

And that is the word—a word—a connecting word for today, dear reader.

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